Feelin' better

So I'm feeling better. Things aren't as dark as I thought they might be. I got through a big work deadline. And the Guitar Hero and I moseyed through Hamburg's Christmas Market and went to see Borat (yes, I saw a movie twice!) so it was a good day. What is there bad to say about a day where you get to eat fresh Reibekuchen aka Kartoffelpuffer aka potato pancakes AND smoked mackerel as well as drink Glühwein aka mulled wine?
As to the list of things I want, as promised here they are in no particular order:
1) A digital camera. I want a camera with which I can take decent shots and plug into ANY computer to download (or upload, as the case may be). No schnickschnack needed as I am a crap photographer. Suggestions welcome.
2) New headshots showing off the thinness mentioned in previous posts.
3) Hmm, independent wealth?!
4) And how about some motherfucking boots that fit? Seriously, I don't like my boots baggy around my ankles. Why does the shoe industry have to be hating on me like that?

Funny things and hot stuff

So to escape my deep depressing thoughts, I've been filling myself with comedy this weekend. Yesterday I saw Borat, which I thought was hilarious. I giggled, I chuckled, I even guffawed. Favorite moment: when his suitcase fell open on the New York subway and the chicken hopped out. Friday night I re-watched Fast Times at Ridgemont High for the hundred thousandth time and found it as funny as ever. One question, though: why in fuck's name is the German title Ich glaub' ich steh' im Wald! (translation: I think I'm in the forest)? There are no forests in this film, nor are any of the characters under the illusion that they are, indeed, in a forest. Was the German title-maker perhaps smoking some of Spicoli's stash? Last night I watched another of my all-time favorite films, 9 to 5 (yes, I have a thing for 80s comedies. So sue me), which also has a moronic German title if my memory serves me. All I have to say is one word, Skaterbol, one word: stud.

As for the hot stuff, I was sorting through some pictures recently and came across this one, shot at a Banana Republic in Florida several years ago:



Isn't he fucking delicious?

Why Kansas is good

Okay, so here goes a post written after I've had 2 glasses of wine (if retail therapy doesn't work, wine should, right?)...
So even though there are many reasons why I left the Sunflower State, there are also a number of reasons why I'm looking forward to visiting 17 days from now (the fact that I almost needed a calculator to figure that out should once and for all clear up any ideas of Dr. Cocoa Puffs = intellectual):

- my family's there. I come from a big family and have 3 great sisters and 1 great brother plus 2 brilliant nieces, one of whom I'll be meeting for the first time this trip, and a hilarious step-nephew who loves cake. I've been known to bitch about my family, but I get along great with my siblings and seriously, the stories Skaterbol and I could tell about the 6 years I was in Lawrence while she was in Kansas City would fill a book. A perhaps scary, full of drunken decandance book, but a book nonetheless.

- Yello Sub. Look, I know Kansas is not even listed in 1000 Places to See Before You Die, but if you're ever driving cross-country or in the KC/Lawrence region for whatever reason, you must stop there. It fucking rocks. It may be perhaps one of the reasons I chose to go to graduate school at good ole KU.

- Good Mexican food (or what we Americans consider good Mexican food). My fool ass could deal with some 2 for 1 margaritas and guacomole infused burritos round about now.

- After hours diner food. I know I sound like a complete fat ass writing this, but I need me some Nichols 24 (sorry, I can't find a link for it - it's a great little 24 hour diner that's been around since ca. 1922).

- Old Navy. If you suffer from body dismorphic disorder (not like I do - ha! Actually, I just spend most of my life thinking I was fat as my mom and all 3 sisters are incredibly thin), there's nothing like trying on a US size 6 and discovering it's too big.

And what else is there: Free State, the Lyon, Dairy Queen - yes, I'll be fattening myself up...

So here we go...

I haven't written anything of significance in awhile because I am having somewhat of an existential crisis. As I am a bit way too good of keeping up appearances, I've steered away of putting this out there for the public to see (confession time: I worry way, way too much about what other people think of me. I have got to get over that shit). But the facade is cracking and there are only like 2 people who read this, so maybe this, this putting it out there, will do me some good. (Facade should have a c with a curly tail. Don't know how to put that in because I don't know fucking html. Ahh! Note to self: Go back 10 years, learn how to program websites so that 10 years later you can blog properly. Or become rich programming websites for other people. It's all good). I won't go into details here, but suffice it to say I have to make some decisions that I don't really want to make. And I hate this because I'm in constant worry of making the wrong decision. Which is sort of irrational as I've made it this far in life without things going horribly, horribly wrong. Ok, so there have been some fuck-ups and I've done some stupid shit (fucking around with a college guy when you're 14 in a small town will indeed make you known as a woman of ill repute or, in Kansan speak, a whore); however, it's not as if I've ever done any time or reduced to drinking mouthwash to get my alchohol fix. At any rate, I'm the only one who can decide what to do or what path to take and it's kind of wigging me out at the moment. When I have things figured out (ha!) or at least have made a move, I'll let the internet public know, as I'm sure they're sitting on the edge of their seats in suspense.

To put my life in perspective, there have been a few highlights this week:
- after a couple of weeks of crazy cd testing, I'm almost done with this year's edition of the project that pays my rent. This is due in great part, indeed probably 95%, to my kick-ass programmer and his team - this is the fucking awesome place to turn to if you, dear reader(s), have techno projects. It's so nice to work with people who are not assholes.
- a long, long time ago in a previous life as a brunette I was an academic (seriously, the Doctor almost was a doctor). As such, I published an article in a essay collection on Thomas Mann's Tod in Venedig and then basically forgot the thing ever existed. Whilst googling myself recently (yes, I am that fucking vain) I discovered that on last year's Abitur exam in Hamburg, students could write about my essay. For the German speaker(s) amongst my reader(s), here's the link (scroll down to Aufgabe III). It's so weird. Something I wrote is considered intellectual. I can think of many adjectives to describe myself, but intellectual is not one of them. For crying out loud, I can't even pronounce Kyrgystan correctly (although I do know where it is!). If only those poor kids knew how I've ended up - almost 33 years old and blogging about having existential, woe-is-me crises.
- the stress I've been under has had one positive aspect. My body's rocking, if I don't say so myself. I tried on a pair of pants today (I needed a mental break from thinking and retail therapy is helpful for things like this) and I fit into a size 36. A 36, people (that's a European 36, not US - a US 36 is just a very scary thought). I'm thin! For once in my fucking life I think I'm thin! Yay! Now I'll probably go back to Kansas for Christmas and gorge the weight right back (Note to self, number bajillion: but if I drink and smoke enough while in the states, I can offset the junk food cravings. Pack lots of Gauloises. Skaterbol: buy lots of wine).

More later about what I'm looking forward to in Kansas (trying to think "glass half-full") and stuff I want and might just fucking buy (thank you German tax office for giving us money back this year) because consumerism could possibly be key in solving my silly crisis.

Oh, and by the way, why is it that the likelihood, as expressed in a percentage, that in a bus of 50 passengers the smelly crazy one will sit next to me over 90%? Is there something about me that says, hey, you over there, you smell like you haven't taken a shower in 3 months AND you're a schizophrenic off your meds? Then next to the Doctor's where you wanna be? I don't think so!

Wow

This is some of the most honest and powerful writing I've ever read. Anything else I could possibly say about it would belittle its worth, so just go and read.

Ahhh

This post will be short, too, you reader(s) awaiting a long story. Work is just kicking my ass at the moment - I have a million deadlines to meet this week at job number one and, of course, there's the fact that I've still got to go to work at job number two. That's added to the fact that over the weekend I jumped in for sick actress for four performances of a play (learned the part in three hours, thank you very much). Plus I have a cold and am not in the best mental state. Lot going on in my head right now. When I'm in a better place mentally and/or feeling healthier physically (i.e., emitting less snot), I'll be back...

What's goin' on

Just wanted to provide my many or four readers with a quick summary of things here in the North.

1) It's been so cold this week that Friskie's taken to wearing her scarf:


2) My sister Skaterbol visited last week and had a rockin' time. We visited Mr. High Steaks in Berlin and laughed and laughed. I think there were even some guffaws. More about that in a later post.

3) I have the apartment to myself tonight as the Guitar Hero is meeting up with friends and have determined that yes, I am a loser dork. I am looking so, so forward hanging out on the couch the entire first season of Sex and the City on DVD (never got around to watching it when it was still on regular tv) while chowing down on nachos. Mmm, nachos. It feels like Christmas, that's how happy it makes me.